Search me again

"How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—when I awake, I am still with you. If only you, God, would slay the wicked! Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, Lord, and abhor those who are in rebellion against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."Psalm 139:17-24

"How precious to me are your thoughts, God!" David tries to count how many times God thinks of him and gives up: "they would outnumber the grains of sand." Picture a whole beach. Every grain, a thought of God about you. And then he says a sentence from someone who wakes up in peace: "when I awake, I am still with you." The night has passed, and God hasn't gone away.

In the middle of the Psalm come some hard verses, against those who are "bloodthirsty." They're frightening, but they're honest: David doesn't hide from God the anger he feels toward evil. He brings everything into prayer, even what isn't pretty. And that is an invitation too: you can tell God about your anger, your hurt, the name of the person who wounded you. He can handle it. And he is the one who brings justice, not you.

And then comes the ending, which is the bravest prayer in the Psalm: "Search me, God, and know my heart." At the beginning, David said "you have searched me." Now he asks "search me." It's the difference between being known and wanting to be known. Whoever has discovered they are fully loved loses the fear of opening their heart. They can show everything, because they know they won't be rejected.

"See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." This isn't the request of someone who thinks they're perfect. It's the request of someone who trusts enough to let God touch where it hurts. Maybe that's the prayer missing from your week: not "Lord, fix me," but "Lord, look at me again and lead me." He will. Every day, as many times as you ask.